I don’t know how or when this happened. It didn’t happen on the day I started wearing a ring on my left ring finger. In fact, I would say, I showed the most resentment to this little band in the early months of being engaged (because of all the stress it was bringing on me). The stress then was unbearable but that, like I was told it would, eventually passed. After that, I had years (literally) until our wedding. With us being engaged for a little more than 2 years, I gave myself plenty of time to plan, organize and pay for this wedding that we had signed on to have.
For the most part, I have dealt with each new wedding item as it’s come my way, whether it’s a craft, an appointment or something I have to order. These things have been so far and few between that instead of feeling like a bride, I have been feeling like a hoarder. My whole spare room is now boxes and bags of different items that seem to make no sense without context. I suppose it would seem I’ve taken a practical stance on our wedding planning, taking out a lot of the emotion of it. It has suited me for this process. If I let myself get emotional, I get stressed and that causes my anxiety to spike; when my anxiety spikes, I am not likely to accomplish much of anything. The term I’ve stuck to to describe my feelings is “cautiously excited”.
This has all been flipped on it’s head. The other day I was in a meeting and the only thing I could center my thoughts on was our wedding. “I need to get the number for this person. I need to schedule this. I need to send out payment to that person…” and that pretty much sums up my internal dialogue for an hour. I thought it might just be because we have to send out our first payment to our venue (a pretty penny, no doubt) that my stress was kicking in. I have made note of things I need to order and reached out to the appropriate parties, took a breath of fresh air and moved on. I figured my thoughts would too.
It’s like a switch has been flipped in my brain and suddenly all I can think about is wedding stuff. From DIY projects to things I have to order and appointments I have to schedule, not a day goes by that I don’t do something for our wedding. Even while writing to this point, I’ve stopped 2 times to add things to my calendar. Right now, I am sitting in my office anxiously (I have stalked windows) awaiting my Peachwik guestbook alternative that is supposed to be arriving today. I mean, when people say “you’re engaged” they should really hand you a pamphlet describing your new stress disorder, a bottle of wine (the liter size, sister ain’t playing) and a large supply of chocolate (the dark kind, that has antioxidants and that means it’s healthy. I know that you’re on a “sweating for the wedding” diet, don’t pretend you’re not). That’s what this really is.
Today, we have 259 days until the actual wedding. As of yesterday I have already had family and friends asking me what day and even what time certain events will be that are 8-9 months away… I don’t even know what I’m eating for breakfast tomorrow and I’m supposed to know what time dinner is served in 9 months? This bride stuff… I mean, wow! I bow down to you ladies that keep your calm, cool and collected exterior because now I know… we are all dying a little inside with each wilted flower, food sensitivity request from a guest or even a well meaning “suggestion” from a loved one.
While all of this is fine and dandy, I allow myself to get caught up in other things like, work, side projects and volunteering and then, *POOF!* I look up and it’s suddenly 3 or 4 days later and I’ve done nothing for the wedding and I have to scramble all over again to regain my traction. The mere thought that 1 party 9 months away would consume so much of my life so far out is so silly! That being said, I’m kind of enjoying it.
I’d be lying if I said that I’m unhappy about it. Is it expensive? Totally. Is it unnecessary? In my opinion, sure. But the people closest to me (fiance’ included) will be so happy to celebrate our marriage and be a part of the big day and that makes it all worth it.