The Tiny Things You Learn About Yourself When Sacrificing Yourself

I've used this photo of us before, but almost 2 years later it's still one of my favorites!

I’ve used this photo of us before, but almost 2 years later it’s still one of my favorites!

This last week has been insanely busy. So let me preface this updated account of my life by saying I could use a good blog entry to calm my anxiety and make me sit and have some quiet thoughts for a bit. I feel like I am in a bit more control of my personal baggage than I have been in years, but I still need to text vomit it out and see what I can make of it.

About a week and a half ago Boyfriend and I moved into our new apartment together. Now that’s where a lot of the anxiety starts. Our apartment is spacious and cute but very old and the paint is very thick on the walls, and so it feels very apartment-y. If that’s not a word, I just made it one. I’m an English major, I’m pretty much Webster’s colleague. Deal with it. Financially we crunched the numbers and we make the money to support ourselves with the rent and the bills. But an anxious gal like myself has to have something to do with all of her spare brain space, right? So what’s natural? A laundry list as long as the eye can see of anxieties. So all week we’ve been settling in, making ourselves at home, hanging pictures, agreeing on all the fun little things couples take pride in agreeing on together. You know, nothing that really matters in the grand scheme of things. Come on girls, you know he doesn’t care which cabinet you hang the dish towel from.

That doesn’t seem like too much stress, does it? I mean, it’s not. Not really. Except Boyfriend is under so much stress that the look on his face can only be compared to that of someone trapped in a pressure cooker. So, naturally again, I worry about him. He isn’t any more or less reactive than he is on a normal day, bless his heart, he is just furrow browed and stressed. He isn’t sleeping, he’s more forgetful than normal (he is forgetful on a normal day) and he’s much less interested in pleasantries. I feel that because he deals with my anxieties every. single. day. I owe it to him for the next 2.5 weeks of classes. So I have been going out of my way to help him and pick up the slack around the place while he muscles through what he has left. Let me give you an example. The other day I walked in the door after a long day at work, dealing with our dog pulling me through the door frame at the speed of light and I walked into a mess in the kitchen, as if there had been a fire drill mid meal. The cabinet was open, the Spray Oil was on the counter the pan was on the stove, The fork and spatula lay dirty in the sink. The silverware drawer half-open. I thought, WHAT? What is happening? His explanation was that he got caught up doing homework and had to leave abruptly for work so he didn’t end up late.

2 days ago, Sunday I did all of our laundry, which is time-consuming because Boyfriend wears something once and considers it dirty. So to help him have work clothes I did all the laundry. I asked him to put the last load away before he went to work on Monday morning and he said he would no problem… Monday night came and I did the laundry while he was at class because he had once again forgotten. There are also a list of things I have learned that annoy me, let me name a few: leaving lights on, leaving things in the sink, not taking the time to stack my pans the way they were when you found them, not locking the door, need I go on? No, because most women have that same list, you all know what I’m talking about. We are all a bunch of raging psycho control freaks and if you say you aren’t, than you’re lying or you just haven’t found your trigger, yet. But, as a woman in a happy and healthy relationship sometimes we must think about where our partner is in his/her journey and look introspectively at my annoyances. Even my list changes daily based on my emotions. BUT what I can do is look at it and think is it really imperative that my pots be stacked the way I like them right now? Is it causing physical damage to myself or others? No. Does it take a minute to fold the laundry? Yes. But what would I rather be doing? Sitting hunched over a computer learning to “code” to better our future or standing in the bedroom hanging a few shirts? The answer is obvious.

When you find a good man or woman you need to put yourself on the back burner sometimes. And SOMETIMES¬†that’s ok. I learned the first time around that doing it all the time is not ok. It’s not right. I sacrificed far too much of myself the first time and that caused me to be over-cautious and guarded the second time. But I’m starting to learn how to sacrifice my needs without giving them away entirely. It’s healthy and good. And it’s what makes couples last. Boyfriend did the same for me when I spent an entire week nursing a sick horse from death’s doorstep only to be defeated. He went without food and sleep so he could help me. I couldn’t ask that from anyone and I think that’s the point of God coupling us up. He knows our needs better than anyone, so He has paired us up with someone who will recognize them and lay theirs down to help. I end this entry on a peaceful note saying that if you’re going through this, just hang in there.


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