Today, I’m having a particularly hard time with faith. You see, I wasn’t brought up in a particularly religious household, although we were taught the basics of believing in “The Big Guy” and to be good people, right and wrong, etc. So, I’ve basically had to train myself as an adult to have faith, in every situation. That mentality comes very easy when talking to others about their difficulties or the minor day to day situations that require just a shot of faith like His hand on your shoulder saying, “I got this. It’s cool.” But what about the big stuff?
I have anxiety. It dominates so much of my life and my free head space. I get an idea of how something should go, or that something will go wrong or I’ve convinced myself that I’m sick with something I saw online (NOT Ebola) and that’s all I can think about. I’m also a do-er. So if I can fix it or guarantee that it will get done correctly, I will. So all of these personality traits lend themselves to combat faith. I am trying so hard to instill a sense of faith in my adult life.
I try to use faith the same way someone would use a crutch. I lean on it. It’s strong when I’m not and I use it as an aide. It helps me day to day. My problem here, is when do I need to “have faith” and when is the ball in my court to do something? The problems I have are all of the #FirstWorldProbs variety. I am a millenial living with my mother. Anyone living with their mother knows it’s not an ideal situation especially once you’ve lived on your own. I am now in a stable and loving relationship. And it’s time to move on with my life. We all, all 3 of us (mother included), agree. So now what? Now do I hang around here and just bite my tongue and continue being contented girlfriend, daughter, sister, etc living at home and being of girlfriend status until I’m 45 years old and I’ve collected dogs and cats for every year that my dream of being a wife and mother has died a little more or do I make something happen? At what point do Faith and Action stand toe to toe? I’m growing increasingly bitter with every wedding I go to, every engagement or baby picture I see on social media, every ring I see on a familiar finger. And it’s not the wedding I want, I couldn’t care less about the party, the spectacle of it all. I would be thrilled for a courthouse wedding! It’s the marriage. I want the marriage, a house and family. I’ve never wanted something so much in my life.
It’s like being picked last for dodgeball when you know you were built to tag kids out, you just only need a chance. I have faith… but what is my action? When does one team captain pass me off to the other?